Season 7 Week 5 (Chill Out Edition)
What’s up fellas and Kait.
We’re back again for the 5th week in a row to take about a dollar in change and throw it right down the toilet. Even though I haven’t received or given out any money from these bets in the past 3 seasons or so, it’s still a very important part of the data model I so expertly constructed. What’s a data model? Don’t worry about it. It’s like AI, god, or the algorithm. Maybe it’s real, maybe it’s not. You just gotta believe.
What for sure isn’t real anymore is Mel Tucker’s cheddar from Michigan State (98 million in fact). Officially fired today. Get lost bozo. Victory for MSU.
SHOWTIME
Ok, so the games aren’t as good as last week’s (how could they be). However, it’s another opportunity to turn $5 into $0 so let’s get after it. Shot of rum, an allergy pill, and my girlfriend begging me to stop dragging us into financial ruin. Perfect weekend yet again.
First up! The scary blue cats face off against the not so scary purple cats. It’s on BTN at noon, thank god. Please make this quick Penn State. We don’t need a FRANKLINING against Northwestern thanks. Meaning that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Blue Cats by 7.
Next, Central hosts a rather good Eastern Michigan squad at 1:30. There’s always bad blood between THE DIRECTIONALS so this could get a little interesting. I foresee Kevin and Nick regretting betting on their Alma Mater. Chips lose by 10.
Then, at 3:30pm, Western battles Ball State in the hellish, brutalist confines of Waldo Stadium. No idea how this one will play out. But Ball State’s mascot is much scarier than Western’s. So I think they win.
christ
Also at 3:30, on FOX, Michigan travels to Nebraska to “play” the Huskers. You know that very jarring scene in Breaking Bad where Walter watches as Jesse’s girlfriend slowly chokes to death on her own vomit and he does nothing to help? That’s Michigan vs. Nebraska. Sorry.
Then, for some MEDIA EXECUTIVE REASON (see moronic), MSU faces off against Iowa in PRIME TIME. WHY. What good will come from keeping this game in the 7:30 slot? We get to watch a team that is completely bereft. No light in those eyes. No hope in that heart. Where do they even go from here?? I’m not sure guys, but you still have to play the Spartans. Prayers.
NFL x WTSBETS
We talking about Prime Time?? That’s right! YOUR DEEEEEETROIT LIONS are under the lights and in front of the nation yet again on TNF!! Playing the dumb, stinky, sad, ugly, good for nothing Packers. Jordan Love? More like Jordan LOUSY! Boom. As many have said, the Lions defense, when cohesive, has been deleterious, prejudicial, and downright nocuous!! The Lions are about to hurt these Wisconsinites more than alcoholism in their family lives!!! IT’S OUR TIME BABY! GOOOOOOO LIONS!!!
Steelers play Offensive Rookie of The Year Coleridge Bernard "C. J." Stroud IV and the Houston Texans. It would be nice if the Steelers win so Kait isn’t slightly moody with Jonny on Sunday, but Stroud is gonna ball (fingers crossed).
