4,751

That’s the days since the Wolverines beat Ohio State on a level playing field.

The Cheaters Up North had been wandering the desert for 25 long years before they won anything of consequence. But, even then, they had to resort to hiring a pervert who was in Naval Intelligence to spy on all of their opponents to gain an edge. Couldn’t get it done on their own, so they stole the answers to the test. Sounds like the school I grew up hearing about. Don’t look behind the curtain! We’re the school of integrity we swear! We definitely don’t project our wrongdoings on others to deflect any sort of scrutiny. Have a cheating scandal? Yell that everyone else was doing it too but worse!! Have a horrible abuse scandal rock the school? Just bring up other schools’ issues instead of handling your own issues properly. The ivory tower is strong in Ann Arbor. And for what? One ill-gotten ring that will either be stripped by the NCAA, or never taken seriously by those that follow the sport? Your bitterest of rivals were able to spend cold hard cash on players, weather scandal after scandal, and still never had worse than 3 losses in a season with a head coach under contract. The Wolverines now have 3* Big Ten Titles in the past 20 seasons. Ohio State has 11. The Wolverines have 1.5* National Titles since the Korean War. Ohio State has 2 since Google was founded. So, hey, nice job trying to catch up, but it’s off to your pit again. Have fun going to the Gator Bowl, or the Pop Tart Bowl every year. You guys really showed us!! Close to our total for both conference and natty titles! But not quite! You’ll get there one day, sport (you won’t).

All of the Wolverine fans that shot out of the woodwork after 2021 are all of a sudden really quiet. It can’t be that they’re the truly soft ones right?? No way! They keep hollering that it’s Ohio State! No, sorry, the Spartans! No, sorry it’s ESPN! Wait, no it’s also journalists! They all sound like a little kid saying “nuh uh it’s you!!” when their class is pointing and laughing that they peed their pants.

And don’t forget, no one born after World War 2 has lived in a world where the Wolverines have a winning record against the Buckeyes. When real football started, they stopped being a legit contender. Crazy how they can only win when they stack the deck in their favor. Try being actually good. But, again, that takes real self-reflection, and there’s nothing staring back at the Wolverines when they take a look.

Go Bucks.

Happy Thanksgiving

****

KICKOFF

TTUN vs. #2 THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES, Saturday BIG NOON on Fox

You already know what this is. It’s war. It’s retribution. The regular order of things will finally be restored after a detour into darkness, debautoury, and sinfulness. All will be well soon. Bucks by 50.

Eastern vs. Western, Saturday 1:30 EST on ESPN+

Very very apt that this showdown of dirt schools will not be shown on TV. Off to ESPN+ with you! Western definitely needs a win to wash out that nasty taste of another L to the Chips. They’re favored against Eastern, but basically everyone is. Get a dub and head to the Little Caesars Bowl, Broncos.

Central vs. Northern Illinois, Saturday 3:30 EST on The CBSSN

Sorry Chips fans, I got nothing on this one. Y’all are probably about to get [REDACTED]. But hey! Shark Boy is gone (kinda)! A new era begins! And if you poach Coach Wooster, it’ll be a great hire and I’ll be quite angry patrick.

NC State vs. North Carolina, Saturday 3:30 EST on ACC Network

Rivalry Week continues with another toxic showdown! It’s Little Brother vs. Big Brother! And Big Brother is actually favored!! RIP to Coach Brown though, if only your recent tenure was like that of the 90’s. Thanks for everything, legend. Win this one for the UNC football goat, Tar Heels.

Rutgers vs. Spartans, Saturday 3:30 EST on FS1

This is always such a fun watch. When these guys play at the end of the year - especially in bad weather - crazy shenanigans occur. I know it’s not very fun if you’re a Spartan fan, but as an outside observer, I can’t look away. Sorta like a car crash, but you feel less guilt. Hopefully they don’t Schiano’d in East Lansing, because the Spartans could really use a berth to the San Diego County Credit Union (SDCCU) Poinsettia Bowl.

#5 Harding vs. #4 GVSU Lakers, Saturday 1:00 EST

The Lakers get to avenge their Quarterfinals loss of 2023! We lost 7-6 and they knocked out our best QB in GVSU history with a cheap shot. I want blood. But it will be incredibly physical just like last year. Are we built for it? Well it’s at GVSU thank god. The Harding Bison live up to their title because all they do is run right through you like a violent herd. I think it’s as good of an occasion as ever to stack their Bison skulls like we were the pioneers of old. Get endangered, bitch.

NFL x WTSBETS

Bears vs. Lions

Ok, Benj can finally be on the good side of a little trash talk.

The Bears get to be the lucky ones to walk into the Lions Buzzsaw this week. Pretty serendipitous that we will be carving their defense up like a Thanksgiving turkey on the actual holiday!! That’s good stuff. The Bears are truly dookie diaper dogshit. They’re on the level of the 2010’s Cleveland Browns. And their front office is just as stupid. Have fun ruining another young QB! Good thing you didn’t waste a super high draft pick again!!!

Our Uncle and cousins on the Lane side are huge Bears fans, and when we were little, they used to always tussle our hair and say “It’s ok guys, the Lions just aren’t good. You can always cheer for the Bears!” Welp!

Get over here Uncle Steve, that hair needs tussling! (I will be buried soon after this)

Buccaneers vs. Panthers

It’s the Baker Bowl!! The guy doesn’t let anything go, so you already know he’s ready to teabag the Panthers like he’s playing Halo 3. Bryce Young has actually looked really sharp lately though, so I will be conflicted on which QB to root for. The one who is also 5’7”, or the one who has a record akin to yours truly.

No 13th Letter. As always, light work.