Written by Ben Koval, WTSBETS Premier Contributor

Weekends have taken on quite a new meaning for me.

For the last 15 years, Saturday has not been for the boys. It has been for funerals, weddings, and 4:30 pm masses. While many were nursing hangovers on Sunday morning (Shout out, Fr. Bob) and lazily watching NFL countdown; I was pretending to be republican while trying to get everyone to sing “Shout to the Lord” all in rhythm (it didn’t work). But no more! I was blind, but now I see! I will praise him in this storm, and no longer have to Imagine what it would be like. After many years, the weekend is finally mine. All mine. Is this what y’all had for so long? You just get to wake up and not have to go to work? WTF. Also, I don’t have to put up with petty ass church people. Our God is an awesome God after all. 

Jesus. Beer me strength.

****

THE RUNDOWN

Speaking of hangovers and divine intervention. Sherrone, my guy, what the fuck? I knew this was going to be a rebuilding year, but great googly-moogly. We are STINKY. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be upset after winning the National Championship last year, and I have (for the most part) held firm to that foundation. There is some promising young talent in the wings and even on the field currently, but I am not convinced that Wink Martindale and Kirk Campbell shouldn’t already be fired. Playing Mason Graham off the edge should have been our first indicator. Also, throwing the ball THIRTY THREE TIMES against an Illinois defense that has been bad at stopping the run. All with a quarterback that doesn’t know how to throw it more than 10 yards should result in crucifixion. Not even JJ threw that many times in a game last year! Michigan scores one touchdown and loses in pathetic fashion. The defense tried.Precious Lord, Take My Hand. 

MSU beat Cade McNamara, known football terrorist, and the Iowa Hawkeyes rather convincingly. Nothing brings me more joy than watching that diminutive garden gnome lose. I may be down in the dumps about Michigan, but I don't mind  trading my sorrows for this. MSU is going to absolutely beat Michigan next weekend. Zero doubt. Aiden Chiles looks like a legit double threat QB in the making. He just needs to make better decisions with the football, but it seems that with every game he gets better. Give it up, Kirk. It’s time.

Chips were definitely on eagles’ wings this past weekend. May the angels welcome them to another losing season. 

Western took the Buffalos down to the river and now sit at their rightful place atop the MAC. Let’s ride. 

UNC on bye.

Thankfully, for the Commish’s blood pressure, OSU was also on bye. Not even Ryan Day could ruin this memorable weekend for our brave and handsome commissioner. Congrats again man! Can’t believe Bre wants to be around our family that badly.

NFL

SKLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL THAT’S MR. JAKE BATES TO YOU. BRICK SALESMAN TURNED NFL KICKER. FUCK YOU MINNESOTA AND YOUR DUMB PAGAN PREGAME RITUAL. What a clutch moment. What a game from this Detroit team, man. Every week we show everyone once, again, how good we are. The haters continue to doubt us. You know, I was thinking the other day, what if cartoons got saved? But then i realized that I don’t think there’s any hope for the Vikings fans at this point. 

Panthers. I got nothing. The sad Sir Purrs got One Bread, One Bodied by the corpse of Marcus Mariotta. Ahem. Not great, Bob.

Open your hymnals to Page #1776, fellow americans. Results are below.

RESULTS

Written by The Commissioner

Not so average anymore, huh??

Your Week 8 winner is:

Ethan

Ethan gets his first win of the year! And on a huge week for the entire league, so it’s even more impressive. I wonder if he finally stopped betting and driving? It might be paying off! He went 7-3 and won $1.25.

In 2nd is Christopher! He’s climbing again! Not first, but not in an embarrassing place like 3rd lmfao. He went 5-5 and won $0.96.

In 3rd is Nick! Like many of us both this week and at our baptisms, he was saved by the grace of god. And god is the Biggest Huge of all. Nick went 3-7 and won $0.82.

In 4th is Kevin! Middle of the pack yet again! Not last! And also #saved. He went 4-6 and won $0.81.

In 5th is Jonathan! Good enough this week to stay in 1st Overall! But, I may have to cook the books to get him another ring since he went above and beyond for my own ring shenanigans this past weekend. He went 5-5 and won $0.73.

In 6th is Me! #SAVED!! I went 3-7 and won $0.23.

In 7th is Kenneth. Our very own seafarer weathered our storm rather well this week! Came out in the black! He went 3-7 and won $0.16.

🚨 WARNING! “WOAH HE HAS TROUBLE WITH THE STAFF!” ZONE AHEAD!! PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION! 🚨

In 8th is Benj. All his energy went into thinking about making this excellent recap. Worth it. He went 2-8 and lost $0.65.

***

Ryan Day is back this week :/ But also it Rivalry Week for Michigan and MSU!! Beware of tunnels!!!!

Results are below!