Howdy partners.

Spooky Season is here, and I hope we all work so hard and care for our families so well that they’ll be FRIGHTENED by how much we care and how awesome we are!! We’re such lights of inspiration it’s scary!! Boo! It’s a healthy home life!!!

Now, if you don’t have the perfect home life (could not be me tbh lol lmfao rofl), I heard roaming the sewers in search of wayward youth as a clown is a good angle to pursue. Or you could help others with their dreams. But make sure you wear a striped sweater. It gets cold out there. But you’re probably saying, “Hey Matthew! That’s not really my style. Do you have something more brooding and mysterious?” Why yes, dear reader, I do. If you don’t really speak with your family, but want to help from afar, you could always swing by their neighborhood once a year (around the holidays of course) and keep an eye on them as they go about their daily routines. Then help tuck them in at night. Just make sure they don’t see ya. A mask may be helpful here too since you’re coming in from out of town and don’t want them getting sick!! Also, everyone loves camping but hates a lot of the manual labor that comes with it. Be that special helper by being prepared to make a fire for them! A good scout never forgets his wood chopping machete.

But remember, in the end they’ll be so happy you helped them out. Make sure to come back. Again and again and again. Up to 10 or 11 times maybe!!

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SHOWTIME

Michigan State vs. #6 Oregon, Friday 9:00 pm EST on Fox

Could we see a little extra juice in this one from the Spartans? It means something to the former Beavers on the team. Jonathan Smith knows what it’s like to go against Dan Lanning and call him a fraud. No chainsaw this time, but could the Spartans turn the Ducks from mighty to nighty nighty?

Pittsburgh vs. North Carolina, Saturday 12:00 pm EST on ESPN2

Mack, my brotha, you remember that basketball player from UNC who retired twice? Well, maybe you should take a page out of his book. The Heels are Home Dogs to the one and only Nard Dog. That can’t feel good because, well, Narduzzi should be fired too. But hey, he’s having a banner year for a possible extension from a dumb Athletic Department. And Pitt just got rid of the the smartest/best AD in the business. Congrats on your new lake house, Pat.

Western Michigan vs. Ball State, Saturday 2:00 pm EST on ESPN+

Hey did you guys know that Papa John (yes THE Papa) didn’t go to Louisville, and in fact went to Ball State? Yeah it was a surprise for me as well. No wonder that pizza sucks. Indiana cooking? No sir, no thanks.

Iowa vs. #3 THEEEEEE, Saturday 3:30 pm EST on CBS

A good run game versus an Ohio State defense with iffy linebacker play? What could go wrong right? Wrong! While Sonny Styles’s and Cody Simon’s play has not been stellar, there is some promise there. Especially for Sonny who is playing his 3rd position in 3 years. And he’s not being coached by the Head Coach’s unqualified best friend. So things will be fine. Also fun fact, Tim Lester’s coach at Western Michigan when he was the QB there was none other than OSU Defensive Coordinator, Jim Knowles. That tracks because Knowles has really strong Kalamazoo Democrat energy. Go Bucks.

#10 Michigan Wolverines vs. Washington Huskies, Saturday 7:30 pm EST on NBC

Lots and lots of negatives to talk about for this Michigan team, but I don’t want to be a total hater when writing these previews (I do. I reallyyyyy do). So let’s look at a few positives. They have nice jerseys, and they’re much better than when they were with Adidas. The school is great academically. The MLB team that is only a few minutes down the road is going to the ALDS!

#2 GVSU vs. Davenport, Saturday 12:00 pm EST

Grand Rapids’ annual cross-town showdown is here! It features a real school and football program and another school that pretends they’re legitimate even though they are just a collection of parking lots located off of M6. I have worked and lived in GR for many years, and have not come across a single person that has said they graduated from Davenport. I refuse to believe it is a real school. Can’t be. Also they can’t beat us if they’re not real. Lakers roll by a bunch.

CMU on bye

NFL x WTSBETS

Well with the Lions on bye, we “get” to watch the Panthers take on the Bears! Some are calling it the Super Bowl if the Super Bowl had depression! Somebody get this game some zoloft! Pass that over here while you’re at it…….pass…..heh…in this game? You wish.

Save us Texans.