Folks, we are now in the second half of the season. Which, like Spooky Season, really snuck up on me. Seriously, I have yet to watch a scary movie. But I did spend 4-5 hours in Cleveland. And I did watch Jerry Jones wallow in misery. That Tales from the Crypt looking motherfucker was a horrifying, yet funny sight. Credit to the current coaches and front office staff, not you Patricia (seriously Bill why the fuck would we thank him? What do you mean he built the foundation for this team? Sorry, sorry back to the point I was making), for building a team that reminded Jerry Jones’ geriatric ass death is approaching. (Fingers crossed)

But enough about the past. We are looking forward to a new beginning. Right, commissioner? (Positive finger crossing)

Back to spooky season. What the fuck? Seriously, does it not feel like fall to anyone else? I am tailgating the MSU game and that shit says the High is 71! Seventy-fucking-one. That is a cold summer day in my books. For spooky season, the weather is supposed to be cold, rainy and downright depressing. Not you can be comfy wearing shorts outside. If fall was like this during Michael Myers’ heyday, he would put up serious numbers. Picture the Wilt graphics meme but instead of Assists, Blocks, Points and Rebounds, it would be Arms cut off, Beheadings, Pulses deleted (Deaths if you can’t see what I am trying here) and Resuscitations needed. I think he would have a quadruple triple. Conversely, Freddy Krueger would not be able to kill any teens, because they could easily stay up all night.

****

SHOWTIME

Anywho. Let’s get back to the topic at hand. Football.

Central Michigan vs. Eastern Michigan, Saturday 2:00 pm EST on ESPN+

CMU, still disappointing as always, plays the first of two games in an attempt at reclaiming the Michigan MAC trophy. Does CMU pull this off? Not likely, but we still do not have confirmation from Amy Folan whether that was Connor Stalions on the sidelines against MSU last season. So anything is possible. But a loss here would not do well for the sharkfucker. Just like the team, I am done defending. Sure Eastern has a winning record. That’s all I have on them. Sorry.

#24 Michigan vs. #22 Illinois, Saturday 3:30 pm EST on CBS

This game may be a quick one. Michigan, who will run the ball 9 times out of 10, will go up against Illinois who gave up 239(!) rushing yards to Purdue. As long as Sherrone keeps this to WWII era football and does not try the forward pass, Michigan should be good. Unless Brett Bielema figures something out. Dude always looks confused like he asked for $2 and was given 8 quarters.

Western Michigan vs. Buffalo, Saturday 3:30 pm EST on CBS

Buster follows the Commissioner to New York this week. Although this town is way less ideal than NYC. Home to Bruce Almighty and close the Niagara Falls, it’s the epitome of what this game will look like. Nasty, kinda depressing, and in desperate need of a miracle for either of these teams to be competitive again this year.

Iowa vs. Michigan State, Saturday 7:30 pm EST on NBC

This is Saturday’s main event! At least according to NBC/Peacock. Did MSU get better during their Bye? Will the wind be too much for me to think; hmm, should have worn pants? Time will tell on Saturday. Here is hoping Aidan Chiles gets closer to a 1:1 TD to INT ratio. We should investigate Iowa’s handling of Brian Ferentz’s firing. Reinstate him for a game. Please? Prediction: the score will be 16-13 at some point. It always is when these two play.

#2 GVSU vs. Saginaw Valley, Saturday 7:00 pm EST

Sorry commish I know fuck all about these teams. Anchor down? Is that the slogan? Fuck it, that’s the slogan. Not doing any research here.

Commissioner’s Note: It’s #AnchorUp and this is the Battle of the Valleys. SVSU sucks and so does their town. Thanks.

NFL x WTSBETS

Lions (4-1) vs. Vikings (5-0)

A classic matchup of a team filled with grit, talent, and the spirit of friendship, facing off with the luckiest fucking team in the NFL. You know which team is which by now, hopefully. But in case you need help, look at the next six games for the Vikings. Okay, now look at the injuries to those teams. Got it? Good. The Lions look to keep the momentum rolling and disappoint another fanbase of a team that has not won shit since I was born. You know what, Matt called for Puddles to be canceled last week so, I am calling for Vikings fans to be canceled this week. I hate to do it but, Vikings in Minnesota? Skol chants? Smells like cultural appropriation to me. And like GVSU vs SVSU, I will not do any research to see if there were actual Vikings in Minnesota.

Panthers (1-5) vs. Commanders (4-2)

Did you see that Ravens fan assault those two Commanders fans? Ben and I could have had worse experiences than ours in Cleveland. Just got shivers thinking about Cleveland. Not from the game but the city. Sorry. Sorry. Get back on track, Nick. Jayden Daniels please win me another fantasy matchup. Okay seriously, enough about me. The once again “Tepper your expectations” Panthers, will look to keep pounding and get their second win against a Washington team that has some juice to them. The over/under seems relatively high. So hopefully that means this game will also have some juice.

UNC has a bye. So does Ohio State. Thankfully Matt can enjoy his time away free from the clenches of Ryan Day. Hopefully, Bre ends the weekend with as many rings as Ryan Day has in his tenure as Head Coach. Assuming Ryan Day can keep his Big Ten Championship ring on his finger with the way he lets winnable games slip away.

Let our weekend be memorable!