Welcome back to the wonderful world of College Football! Where no one thinks critically; People argue themselves into circles; No one takes even an ounce of accountability, and nothing will change! I have decided that this is all too much. As you read this, I am on a plane 30,000 feet above North America, headed West. Yes, this whole ordeal has made my body physically reject the state I live in. So, I’m travelling to a state that has no football controversy: Colorado!

Hold on I’ve just been handed some news.

SHOWTIME

Are you all ready for The Game of the Century of the Week?? It’s Penn State versus Michigan! A White Out at noon is a literal football crime. Fitting. But, this is a chance for both teams to show they are truly legit this year! Penn State wants to sit at the big boy table (maybe one day buddy), and Michigan wants to show that they deserve to be among the CFB elites! When reached for comment, an anonymous source close to the situation said,

A few weeks ago, a wise man said that you have to put yourself in the best position to go undefeated each season. This apparently was a compliment to Michigan’s strength of schedule (LOL), but it must be the new equivalent of “if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” Best of luck facing your first real opponent of the season when you can’t steal their signs!

Others anonymous sources kept abreast of the current events had this to say,

WE ARE incapable of throwing the ball for more than 12 yards at a time.

Additional sources had further comment,

Michigan on the road against a top PSU team in happy valley? This always goes well for us. Not worried. Stop asking. Where are the tums?

Then on prime time, it’s the OTHER GOTCOTW. We have Spartans versus Buckeyes! Ohio State is going ALL GRAY during a SCARLET-OUT in The Shoe. I’m excited to watch Marv in his final game against MSU. Go crazy, king. We will miss you after all of this.

GVSU (who is better than CMU and Western) finishes their season against a parking lot school. Davenport comes to Lubbers Stadium. The Lakers look to take care of business, win another GLIAC championship, and get to that National Championship race. Anchor Up!

Columbia is going to try to win a football game at some point. Will it be this year? Unlikely. But they play Brown this week. Roar Lion Roar.

The Battle for the Cannon happened yesterday, and it felt like we were staring right down the barrel the whole game.

NFL x WTSBETS

The ferocious, maleficent, TYRANNICAL DETROIT LIONS are BACK!! They travel to LA to play the Chargers. I know their logo is a lightning bolt, but they’re more like an old iphone charger. Weak and fragile. Can’t believe I’m going to put these word to paper but….I’d rather have Goff than Herbert at QB. I need a shower.

The Steelers host the stinky cheese men. There are a lot bridges out there for you, Packers fans. You know what to do.